The grief of an absentee parent can be difficult to explain. The parent may still be alive. They may even have been physically present throughout childhood. Yet something essential was missing, and there was no clear moment when anyone told us we were allowed to grieve it.
In The Empty Space of Grief, Karen Shayne and Sandy Williams welcomes counselor and Unconditionally Her contributing writer Pam Monjar for a conversation about the losses we often carry without naming them. Together, they explore how a parent’s absence can become part of our story and why recognizing it may matter years later.
Grief is larger than we think
When we hear the word grief, we often think of a death. But a marriage that ended, a friendship that faded, a dream that never happened, or a season of life we loved can leave an empty space, too. Cleveland Clinic’s guide to grief explains that loss can include changes to the relationships and connections that shape our lives.
Pam explores how loss can change our view of the world in her Unconditionally Her article, Through the Lens of Loss. In this episode, the conversation turns toward a loss that can be especially hard to describe: the relationship we needed with a parent but did not have.
The grief of an absentee parent
What does it mean to miss someone who was never fully there for you? Can you grieve the childhood you hoped for, the support you needed, or the parent you kept hoping someone would become?
Karen and Pam consider how that absence may follow us into adulthood. They also talk about the guilt that can come with acknowledging hurt, especially when a parent is still living or when we have chosen to set boundaries. If you would like to explore why an unresolved loss can feel so difficult to name, the American Psychological Association’s conversation about ambiguous loss offers helpful context.
Pam shares why she created a retreat centered on grieving the absence of a parent and what it can mean to give a long-carried story room to be heard. She writes further about making space for difficult feelings in Befriending Grief and about carrying our experiences into the future in Living Forward After Loss.
If you have ever thought, “I never realized that was grief,” this conversation is for you. You do not need to have the right words before you listen. Perhaps finding them is where the conversation begins.
For more information on Pam, please visit her website at PamMonjar.com
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