Unconditionally Her recognizes the holidays can be a difficult time for many. Our UNTOLD Feature honors those who we have lost and asks if you know someone suffering from depression or mental illness, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Meet Carla: Her son had the best sense of humor, it was dry and witty and he always had a way of making her laugh. He was handsome, smart and sensitive and he truly cared about the world and the people in it. He loved music and his family very much but in the end, he ended up in a place where living was more painful than dying.
He had spent years struggling to overcome addictions and depression, which he learned later, was due to a diagnosis of Avoidant personality disorder. She begged him, screamed at him, did everything she thought he needed to seek help. He did try rehab for the addictions and medications for the depression and severe anxiety. That seemed to work for periods at a time but he always seemed to fall back into the same dark hole that consumed him. Helplessly, she watched him deteriorate and battle with demons no one will ever understand.
When she got home that day. She opened the door and called out his name. He didn’t answer and she thought that was odd, so she called out again and walked down the steps. She opened his bedroom door and her heart and mind stopped and she screamed! She couldn’t understand what she was seeing when she saw him, lying in a pool of his own blood with the rifle next to his body. Her screams of pain filled the air; she quickly ran up the stairs and hysterically called 911.
They asked her to make sure he wasn’t breathing. She couldn’t go back down, she just couldn’t see him that way again.
Why, why please God, why, would he do this? If he loved her and she knew he did, why would he do this to her, to himself, knowing how much pain his death would cause her?
His smile is gone, his laugh is gone, and his voice is gone. She will never hug him or smell him or hear his voice again because he is now gone. The idea that he doesn’t exist anywhere in this world is something she cannot comprehend and she will always wonder if she did everything she could have to save him. She misses him so damn much, she would give anything to hug him one last time, but she knows that would never be enough.
She stands at his grave, looking down trying to make sense of it all but, of course, she can’t, no one can because there is no sense in someone taking their own life. She tries to walk away but is rooted in the spot. She thinks to herself, “ how can I just leave you here in the ground, it’s so cold in there and it’s a mothers job to make sure her children stay warm.” So she just stands there and cries until her tears dry up and there is nothing she can do except walk away from him.
When he died, the pain of losing him was unimaginable and beyond agonizing. He was her boy for 27 years. She held him, she nursed him, stayed up late, worried about him, got angry at him, was proud of him, had so many dreams for him.
She feels guilty that life is going on without him and she will never get over losing him regardless of the minutes, days, months and years that go by, time does not heal and with him, he took a piece of her that she will never get back no matter how hard she tries.
He left a note for her on her computer that stated ‘your love never failed, and that will always be enough’.
She believes in her heart he would never want to hurt her but realized the excruciating pain he must have been in to want and need his suffering to stop.
His life mattered and so does yours!
#itsoktonotbeok #talkaboutit #askforhelp #yourlifematters #stateofmind #suicideprevention #awareness #change #bekind #mentalhealth
— with Carla Rae Howatt and Lorna Dancey.